Vim and Vigor

Beauty for ashes

This photo of my hubby of 9 years and I was taken about two weeks ago. I happened to post it on facebook...being it's the only photograph of just us we have had since our wedding, I thought some of my family might enjoy seeing it. One of my friends commented how peaceful we looked.

Peaceful.

This photo was taken two weeks after the passing of our son Thomas, who I had carried for 21 weeks. Now, two weeks post-picture, we are in the midst of moving from the home we built ourselves, six years ago this month. And, no, we didn't sell it. 

We lost it. 

Peaceful.

Yes.

And, no. 

Okay, so no...I don't go around singing praise hymns every minute of the day with a glorious smile on my face. And, no I do not have it all together in every way. 

In fact, my teen girls, (bless their hearts), will quickly tell you how I don't have it all together. As sweet as my girls are, they do love to share honestly with others....hmmmm. And, in fact I do find myself putting on Selah quite a bit, but I usually have tears flowing down my face as I am singing the words. Belting them out while browning hamburger to go with our spaghetti. 

I sing through the pain. I am loving God through this storm. For I know that there is beauty in these ashes. 

That is where the peace way down deep below the pain, tears, sadness and grief comes from. It's always there as an anchor to all of these feelings that I work through. 

As I look back on the loss of our second son, Joseph Mark, I remember. I remember how I was so devastated to lose our precious full-term son. Oh, how I prayed for a miracle. That the ultrasound tech was wrong. That he would be alive the next day when I went to deliver him in the hospital.

I would be able to shout out to the world what a miracle he was! My son is alive!

But, my answer was no.

As I recall that difficult time...and the intense difficulties we carried through that fall and winter...(the death of my husband's father, and the heart surgery for my own father)...I see it.

I see the beauty for ashes.

I know that God is moving and working and weaving his tapestry of grace in and throughout these and other trials. As I look around me right now, I see boxes all around our home. I see little ones who helped to make the noises, laughter, tears and life that helped to make this house a home...but as I look at them I feel sadness in the fact that their only home they have known is being taken from them.

I look down and see how I still have the "baby fat" from the baby that is not in my arms right now.

I see a lot of ashes surrounding me. 

But yet, is there not beauty to behold even here and now? 

God is in our midst.

When my husband can wink and smile at me after in exhaustive day of work at his job, and here packing at home...and when the kids are loud and squirly surrounding us.

There is beauty.

As my daughter of 16 speaks words of encouragement to me instead of the usual other way around.

There is beauty.

When father and children embrace with sadness and just hold. hold.hold.

There is beauty.

How you understand a bit of someone else's pain, for you have been down a similar road....and you can share, cry and laugh together.

There is beauty.

How we humbly accept help in a myriad of ways...and those who have blessed us.....we talk with....form closer relationships with.

There is beauty.

Listening as some of my dear children are encouraging me. Teaching me to trust more. And I thought I was the one to teach them.

There is much beauty to behold in these ashes.

 

Isaiah 61:3  and provide for those who grieve in Zion-to bestow on the them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

The power of mama's words....

 

As I was unloading the groceries yesterday, I was thinking about my little girl, who has just turned four.  She LOVES to talk.  And, when I mean talk....I mean, well...ALL the time.  Incessantly, is a word that comes to mind.  Words are the way she expresses herself, and this she does very well.  The bigger the words she uses, the more grown-up she feels.  Her newest word is "important", which of course, is used in every sentence that comes from her mouth.

As the groceries were taken out of their bags, and placed into the cupboards, my mind wandered back to our time at the store.  Miss Lady K, my four year old, had been there with me.  Now, I will admit that she is a very cute little girl.  She has large blue eyes inherited from her grandma, and light blonde hair.  She is a beautiful little girl.  And, people tell her so.  I don't know how many people tell her she is "so cute!", when we are out and about.  Or, they may comment on the outfit she's wearing as well.

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the kind words spoken.  However, I thought how often as a mom, I compliment her as well, on physical attributes alone.  Words that feed the flesh, and help her to focus on the outside, not the inside. 

The whole world screams at us about the way we look, and the way we are dressed.  Magazine covers, television ads, "compliments" from strangers, just to name a few. 

I long for my children, and my three daughters especially, to long for things that are eternal.  For that to be their focus.  To be enamored with the One who made them, loves them more than I ever could, and gives their lives purpose. 

My words can have a huge effect on their outlook.  As a homeschooling mama, I am around my children most of the hours in a given day. We talk, and talk, and talk with each other.  For this, I am so very thankful.  However, I pray for the words from my mouth to be focused on what I see God doing in their lives. 

For instance, yesterday, after my daughter pushed someone down at our homeschool co-op (without me seeing)...she later came to me, and told me what she had done.  I did thank her for telling me the truth.  Even better, I could have said,  "I see how God was working in your spirit to tell the truth.  God stands for the truth, and so do you.  God is at work in your heart!"  What a wonderful thought for a little one to know that a living God is working in them!

I have been trying to catch my children in acts of servant hood, telling the truth, putting someone else before them, and other kind or thoughtful acts.  I try very hard to share with them how I see God working in their lives, and say how proud me, daddy and God are of them. 

Let's build our children up to be all God has called of them!

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

Proverbs 18:21

p.s.  Thank you, Heather, for putting this forefront in my mind....you have helped my family by sharing what God laid on your heart.

This moment

 {Please indulge me for a few words this morning.}

 When I saw my littlest girl, now 3 years old napping the other day with her door open, I just had to sneak in for a couple of pictures. 

So often our days can be filled with struggles.  She's gettin' the award for most strong-willed child in my family this year.  It was almost a tie with her oldest sister, but I believe she will win in the end.  She's persistent that way. 

Notice the ensemble.  Not one layer, not even two layers....but four (4!) layers of clothing on! Let's see....I recognize the pink love sleeved shirt for the bottom layer, next comes her yellow nightgown, then her purple nightgown,and please don't forget her much loved cotton jumper dress!  Layers are in. Remember that tomorrow morning when you're wonderin' what to wear. 

Little ones always look so angelic as they're caught in peaceful dreams.  It's easy to forget that they could ever be naughty or disobedient.  No,they are just your sweet little one,with those cute little features you could gaze at for hours. 

 As I was pondering all of these things, and photographing my girlie, I noticed something.  Her hair looked almost greasy.  Almost wet-like, and I had given her a bath only that morning!  Also, her pillow had something white smeared all over it.  As I gazed at her sweet, dimpled hands I noticed white lotion all over them.

She had gotten into the lotion....and gotten it everywhere!

All I could do was shake my head and smile.....how could I be mad at that moment?  I think that's what the good Lord does with me on a daily basis, I'm sure.  I get myself into trouble very quickly, and I'm sure there are times that he just shakes His head and smiles.  He forgives me as easily as I forgave my girl.  He loves me us even more than I love her, as hard as that is to believe. Thank you Lord for this lesson today, I needed a reminder of your love. 

May you bask in His love today,

Joy

{I have an awesome giveaway going on from Bulk Herb Store  right now....there will be 5 (five!) winners, and all you have to do to enter is leave a comment on the giveaway post, located here.  The winners will all receive a DVD copy of Making Herbs Simple Vol 1...a valuable resource I have had in my home for a couple of years! Giveaway ends Monday, March 14th, 8:00 a.m. EST}

(This moment was inspired by Soulemama)

Picture perfect????

I am a people person.  There is no doubt about it.  I love hanging out with other moms, talking with them, and checking out other moms and what they do in their families' on their blogs.  However; it has occured to me that maybe we don't always get the whole truth from these blogs.  What I mean to say is, it is quite easy to not see these families as a whole. I am sure others may have found that with my blog as well.

Good and bad.

High times and low times. 

I look at their pictures and think....gee, they've got it all together.  Everyone is so happy looking, and they seem to really enjoy each other.  She must be doing something I'm not.  My family is not always this way, so we must be doing something wrong.  But what?

Something I have been longing for more of as of late, is authenticity.  Authenticity in myself, my family, and those I surround myself with. 

I desire to be the same person with my family as I am around others.  I want to be real.  Authentic. 

I have to admit, that I desire the same from those around me. 

I've really been struggling with one of my children. 

Really. Hey, I'm just bein' authentic here.

Struggling.

I should say we here, though, because my husband and I are in this together.  And, I should say we to mean my entire family.  We are a unit.  Good or bad, we are in it together and for the long haul.

When one struggles, we all struggle.

I am not a perfect mom, and wouldn't you know it....my kids aren't either.  I have been delusioned many times to think that if I just do everything the "right" way, and pray all the right prayers that my kids will be great kids.

I can go to bed at times mentally and physically exhausted and think....Lord, why can't you just fix everything now?  You could come in and reveal yourself to my child in  a way that could make all these problems disappear. 

He could fix it.

But, he hasn't.

My prayers seem to fall on "deaf ears". 

Yet, my faith tells me that's not true.  Could there be reasons beyond what I know for the seeming distance I am feeling from God?

Is there good to be found even now, as I am struggling with my child?  My greatest pain comes from seeing my child in this way, and not being able to "fix" it. 

It is out of my hands, and I know it.

Maybe that is the main reason that God hasn't "fixed" everything--even though He's able.

I know that if all was fixed tomorrow, I would be very tempted to think about what a great parent I am, and how all is going so well with my family.  My pride doesn't creep in slowly when things are going pretty good around here.  It swoops in like an eagle and devours me.  And then, it's wings cover over me so well that I cannot see or hear God. 

These difficult times are keeping me just where I need to be.  On my knees. 

These diffucult days also are bringing my husband and I closer, as we need to talk, discuss, and pray over many things.  We have got to be a team, lest we fall apart.  I am sure satan would love that.  I'm just a wee bit too stubborn to let him overtake all that is precious to me. 

My child who is having these difficult times is bringing about something in this home, that is not found everywhere.  Something that is rare and beautiful. 

Unconditional love. 

This child is told, and our other children hear it as well.  I love you no matter what.  We are showing now that we mean it.  We may not like this child's talk or actions--but in the end, they know that we will never stop loving them, and will be their biggest cheerleader throughout our lives. 

My prayer is that as moms, we can see the "bigger picture", even in the midst of raising our children in a dark world.   May we see a glimpse of the beauty of God, especially when we "feel" as if He isn't there. 

For even a glimpse of our Holy savior, can drive us forward toward the truest beauty of heaven.

Blessings to you mamas,

Joy

 

 {This post is a part of Works for me Wednesday]

Mama's sweeet devotionals-Lord,Your words are like honey

 

    Proverbs 31:25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;      she can laugh at the days to come

If you have been a mama for any length of time, you probably have fought a bit of fear (or a lot of fear), a time or two.  Some of us struggle with fear more than others.  When I think of my own fears that can creep up from time to time, it usually has to do with lack of control over a situation.  And, it usually has to do with a member of my family....and, it is usually one of my sweet munchkins.  They may be sick with an illness of some sort or another.  They may be in a situation that may be hurt in, mentally or physically.  These are the times, when I as a mother cannot control the situation, that fear can strike. 

Also, fear of the unknown can attack as well.  You know, fear about the outcomes of pregnancy.....is the baby okay?  Will the baby be healthy?  Am I capable of parenting another life?

Many of my friends and family understand when I may ask for prayer at certain times, due to struggling with a certain fear.  I think they would even understand if this happened much more often than it does.  You see, we lost a son, on October 27th, 2006.  He was due to be born in just a few days.  Out of the blue, during a perfectly healthy pregnancy that had had zero complications, I went in for a routine check-up, and his little heart was no longer beating.  The cord had made a knot, and tightened so much so, that it cut off all supply for life. 

One week before our son's death we had moved in to our home we are in now, and six weeks after his death, my father-in-law passed away, and my father had extensive heart surgery done.  Wow.

A time like that'll strike fear in the strongest of hearts!

However, God has helped me tremendously in this area.  Right now, being the 4-year anniversary of my son's death, I am pregnant and due in 6 weeks with our next son.  Fears could be strong right now, but they are not.  God has been so gracious to me in keeping them at bay, at not letting them rule my life.  I suppose it would be "natural" to struggle with these daily, or "natural" to let it cause strife in my marriage, as it has unfortunately and sadly for so many.  But, thankfully God is not about the "natural", He is about the Supernatural.  And thank goodness He is! 

He takes over when we are at the end of ourselves.  When we fall, He is there to help us up again.  We are in a battle.  There is no doubt about that.  However, He has equipped us with all that is needed to fight.  And, He is fighting with us and for us as well. 

What has helped me to overcome these fears?  Prayer is the number one.  Prayer opens up access to a miraculous God who loves us more than we will ever know, and more importantly, it helps us to conform His will and ours together.  Also, memorizing scriptures that pertain to what I am going through now.  I tape them up throughout the house, and say them over and over again.  God's work is alive and active, and has more power than we can imagine. 

Father, I so easily let the fear creep back in.  Help me to come to you with these fears, and remind me that I am not alone.  Help me to take up my shield of faith, and wear it boldly.  Thank you for equipping us, who come to you, with all that we need to fight our battles. Amen.

Love, your daughter

{This post is a part of Works for me Wednesday at We are that Famiy.}